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When I was younger, my mother always used to tell me that malls were a dangerous place. “I know you think you know everything,” she’d said, “but there are drug dealers and pimps who hang around malls, and they are there looking for young girls like you. Didn’t you hear that story on the news about that girl who got picked up at a mall, kidnapped to a foreign country, brainwashed and sold into white slavery?”

Just recently, I’ve had a couple interesting experiences at the mall that made me realize mom may not have been totally off her rocker after all. So, because I’m sure there must be at least one person out there who is looking for someone to take a portion of her earnings (and I’m not talking about the government here, although the difference between the government and having a pimp – not much), here are five simple steps to getting yourself a pimp:

1. Go to the mall alone.

It has been said that there are safety in numbers. Pimps know this, which is why it is very important to shop at the mall alone, because if they see you with fifty of your girlfriends, they figure at least one of you will be smart enough to say no to a date invitation from a 35 year old russian man.

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Some of you, especially those somewhat familiar with photography, may be aware of the fisheye effect. It is normally created with an ultra wide angle lens (or a fisheye lens); the end product is a somewhat barrel distorted photograph. This fisheye effect, when desired, is ultra cool—the price tag attached to such fisheye lenses, not so much.

Here is the fisheye effect in action:

Photographer: Jesus Arellanes (via Flickr)

Here is the fisheye faked:

Faking the fisheye effect is surprisingly easy; all it takes is three simple steps in Photoshop and you’re done. Here’s how you do it.

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Last summer, I lost 9 pounds in just over a month and blogged about it. I had promised I would blog about how I did it, but I never did, because I am clearly a liar. A lazy liar.

For the next couple months that followed the writing of that entry, I continued to lose weight. I continued to lose weight all the way to 131 lbs, and then I forgot how I had been keeping the weight off in the first place and decided that I was the exception to the rules that had been created by me, for me. Three months after that point, I achieved the impressed feat of gaining 10 pounds within two months.

If I was the “lets make excuses” kind of person, I would tell you that I have been under a lot of stress in the last 2-3 months, which is obviously the reason I gained it all back. If I was the “lets justify our fatness” kind of person, I would tell you that we had an especially cold and snowy winter season, and that this extra blubber was needed for winter hibernation and heat conservation.

But I am neither, so I will tell you this happened because I was lazy ass who was too lazy to write down what she did to lose the weight and keep it off, thus allowing her to: 1) forget everything, 2) break all the rules, 3) become a pig, and 4) gain it all back again.

So here is my long overdue weight loss guide. I could let you assume I’m writing this now of all times because I promised, but that would make me a passive liar. True is, I need to fit into a skin-tight spandex Latin ballroom dress in just under a month and I would prefer to do it without the use of Crisco or fishing line. Thus, the lose ten in thirty days challenge begins.

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If you’re like me, your desktop probably doesn’t look like this most of the time. In fact, if you’re anything like me, it probably looks more like this.

As part of Operation: Clean Out The Engine Sludge, I recently reorganized my entire computer and put every last file away where it belonged. If you’re thinking, gosh, that sounds like a lot of work, it is. It took me about 2-3 hours and freed up about 10 gigabytes in space, but it was well worth it.

Today I thought I’d share with you how I organize the files on my computer in a way that makes them easy to find again, even if I leave them there and forget about them for months. I call it the “How To Organize Your Computer And Still Remember Where You Put Everything” system, or “The Alphabetical Reference System” for short.

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The subject for tonight’s lecture can be easily twisted to fit in the same category as rich people whining about the complications of having too much money; a non-issue. But don’t be fooled—it is a real issue for many women, an issue I feel it is my personal duty to address with my timeless wisdom.

I’m talking about unwanted advances from men. Sometimes it’s the sweet guy you recently befriended who is clearly into you while you are just trying to be friendly. They ask you out for coffee or something. You cringe a little on the inside, because hello, you don’t like him like that.

Maybe you accept, because you’re nice or whatever. I always duck and dodge.

As I was sitting in the dentist’s office today, contemplating life’s mysteries, I had a stunning revelation: Maybe instead of spending time coming up with new and creative ways to avoid men and escape their unwanted advances, I should get a boyfriend. Preferably, a fake one. Even better if he was gay, married or into someone else. Fabulous if he was all three.

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