CHANELWOOD.COM - The internet domain of Chanel. Quirky commentary on life, book reviews, movie reviews, articles on fashion, photography portfolio and more.

Celebrity sightings: Two mass murderers

February 25, 2010
7 Comments

My dad (the very same one who wanted me to tell my readers he was “dead, or something”) has always preferred to have fish as pets over any other animal. Don’t ask me why. Personally, I prefer to have pets that won’t be assisting the devil in eradicating the human race during the apocalypse, but that’s just me.

A couple weeks ago, my dad’s outdoor fishpond was raided. He had about eight fat, orange goldfish in it. One morning, he woke up to check on his pond, only to find the headless bodies of every single one of his goldfish strewn all across our patio.

That’s right. HEADLESS GOLDFISH. ALL OVER OUR PATIO.

Are you reading this before bed? So sorry. Maybe you should listen to this instead:

In case you’re wondering, the only reason I’m here writing instead of sitting in therapy right now is because I didn’t actually see these headless goldfish at the time. Unfortunately, my dad missed one headless goldfish which had fallen behind the pool, and I had the great misfortune of noticing it when I went outside with my tray of grapefruit a week later.

(Needless to say, I couldn’t finish that tray of goldfish-colored fruit.)

We know for a fact that raccoons were responsible for this mass murder. Specifically, the two raccoons who are always in our yard at inappropriate times, driving our dog nuts just as we’re about to enter the deepest level of sleep around 4 a.m.

Have you ever wanted to see the face of a mass murderer? Here you go:

Look, don’t be fooled by their big eyes, chocolate button nose, long whiskers and teeny paws. Raccoons are cute, but they’re also jerks. They have no sense of decency. Who steals someone’s pets, noms off their heads and leaves the rest behind for the pet owner to dispose of? RACCOONS, THAT’S WHO. Heartless wankers.

Among my many talents, I can also speak Raccoon. Here’s what transpired between the three of us while I was busy taking photos of them…

Continue Reading →

Of the olympic torch relay, canadian patriotism and oh yes, ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER!

February 16, 2010
9 Comments

It’s finally here.

In 2003, Vancouver won the bid to host the XXI Winter Olympics. I didn’t really care. I had never really followed the olympics before so it didn’t really excite me. I also didn’t realize the magnitude of this event. In fact, nothing Olympics had really phased me until I went downtown for opening day of the games and realized two things:

(1) HOLY COW WE’RE HOSTING THE WORLD.
(2) HOLY COW THOSE SEVEN YEARS WENT FAST.

So it begins. I have no tickets for any of the olympic games that are happening MINUTES AWAY FROM MY HOUSE because I had pretty much forgotten this would happen until up until maybe, two weeks ago? when they started closing off roads. I also thought I didn’t care about sports, especially winter ones since I pretty much detest snow, but apparently, Canadian pride changes your taste in things.

Internet, I can’t believe I’m about to type this, but… I AM SO STOKED FOR THE HOCKEY GAMES. (And P.S., Canada? YOU BETTER NOT LOSE. I don’t even know the first thing about hockey, but I do know that I want you to kick the world’s ass. No pressure or anything.)

Continue Reading →

Highlights of January 2010

January 31, 2010
5 Comments

In order to make sure each month in 2010 is noteworthy and more fabulous than the one before it, at the end of each month I’m going to be posting the highlights of that month as a way of creating pressure on me to make things happen. Here’s what went down in January:

Snowball Classic

First up, Snowball classic – probably the biggest, most prestigious ballroom competition in the lower mainland. This year we hosted the 2010 Word Latin Cup, which brought top level dancers from all over the world to compete against each other for the title spots. It was pretty amazing. I brought my camera with me on Saturday night to get some photos, and they actually turned out pretty well, all things considered!

Continue Reading →

How to snag yourself a pimp: 5 easy steps to getting started in the prostitution industry

January 22, 2010
15 Comments

When I was younger, my mother always used to tell me that malls were a dangerous place. “I know you think you know everything,” she’d said, “but there are drug dealers and pimps who hang around malls, and they are there looking for young girls like you. Didn’t you hear that story on the news about that girl who got picked up at a mall, kidnapped to a foreign country, brainwashed and sold into white slavery?”

Just recently, I’ve had a couple interesting experiences at the mall that made me realize mom may not have been totally off her rocker after all. So, because I’m sure there must be at least one person out there who is looking for someone to take a portion of her earnings (and I’m not talking about the government here, although the difference between the government and having a pimp – not much), here are five simple steps to getting yourself a pimp:

1. Go to the mall alone.

It has been said that there are safety in numbers. Pimps know this, which is why it is very important to shop at the mall alone, because if they see you with fifty of your girlfriends, they figure at least one of you will be smart enough to say no to a date invitation from a 35 year old russian man.

Continue Reading →

« Previous Entries


About
Lifecast
Articles
Photos
Archives
Best of
Life list
Elsewhere


IN THIS ISSUE:
How to (do anything) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pg. 101
Things my mother says . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pg. 105
Living with Denzil . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pg. 114
Photoshop tips . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pg. 178
Confessions . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pg. 199
Recipes . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pg. 263
Grace In Small Things . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pg. 365
Vancouver living . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pg. 604